Freaking Annoying Cell Phone Habits

FIRST: Annoying answering habits:

1. Answering your phone when you can't talk for more than 1 minute because you're doing something else. Someone actually invented something to solve this problem. It's called VOICEMAIL. USE IT!
2. Answering your phone during a movie, concert, or otherwise interactive situation where you are expected to NOT be on a phone. This includes while paying for goods or services. It's rude to both parties. Again...voicemail was invented for this issue.
3. Answering your phone while doing something extremely loud...you know, using power tools, or vacuuming are good examples of when to let your call go to voicemail.
4. Answering your phone when talking to someone else. Nobody wants to be on hold. Hold should have never been invented. It sucks for everyone.
5. Answering your phone while in a public restroom. Nobody wants to hear flushing while they talk to you. And nobody wants to hear your stall call while they are going potty. It's a little creepy to hear a one-way conversation in an otherwise quiet restroom.
6. Answering your phone while waiting in line at the grocery store because you're expected to um, interact with the cashier. Besides, you might want to pay attention and make sure you don't get double charged for something. Oh, and that beeping of the scanned items is very annoying to hear.
7. Answering your phone while watching TV or listening to music loudly. Either let it go to voicemail OR hit pause. Don't do both.
8. Answering your phone while eating. Listening to someone chew while amplified over the phone is just downright disgusting.
9. Answering your phone and then 3-way connecting the call to someone else without asking. Maybe we don't want to talk to that person right now or just had a quick question for the person that we actually called...not the other person.
10. Answering your phone in your own bathroom and and then flushing the potty. Seriously. If you have to answer your phone now, then don't flush the potty. I don't care how close you are. I don't want to know that you just crapped or peed. And I'm gonna laugh if you ever accidently drop your phone in the dirty crapper water.
11. Answering your phone in the car. Um, driving requires some attention. I don't want to be responsible for your next car accident. Plus it's freaking annoying to other drivers and can even be fined in some areas. HANG UP AND DRIVE.
12. Don't answer a landline while on a cell phone or vice-versa. It's like holding. Let the other one go to voicemail. You can't be on 2 lines at once. It's just rude to both people and frustrating to yourself when you try and decide who you want to talk to more.
13. Don't answer an unknown number when you're talking to me. That's like beyond retarded. That's like leaving a $12 IMAX movie to go home and check your email to read the SPAM that you get.
14. Don't answer a survey. What a waste of freaking time. No wonder you have to keep close tabs on minutes.
15. Don't answer your phone while at a restaurant, even if your food isn't there yet. The only place that is ok is a place like McDs where you pay for the food at the counter and get it yourself.

NOW: Annoying calling habits:

1. Don't call me for directions to my house on the way to an event. I'm likely busy getting things ready or already have other company here. Ok, if it's a true emergency, fine. But plan ahead. Get online and look up directions and print them out if you still live in the dinosaur age...better yet...get a GPS. Again, inventions were invented for a reason.
2. Don't call me for the phone number or address to where you are going. What the crap. I have a life. Just because I *might* be home doesn't mean I want to look things up for you. There is actually a service that will do this for you for a small fee. It's called...ready for this...INFORMATION! But...again...if you are cheap, plan ahead and http://www.justfuckinggoogleit.com/. OR...if you have a GPS...it will list theses these things. There are also these little electronic handheld thingys that have the Internet that will come right along with you wherever you go. OPTIONS ARE ENDLESS.
3. Don't call me while you are looking at refrigerators and ask me to research them for you while you are at the store. You've got to be beyond kidding me. This is part of doing your homework. This a MAJOR appliance. One that YOU NEED TO DO YOUR OWN HOMEWORK ON!!!
4. Don't call me back without checking your freaking voicemail. It just makes you look stupid. I don't care if it wastes your minutes.
5. Check your voicemails daily. Again, stupid-looking.
6. Respond to your voicemails within 24 hours. Again, stupid and/or rude-looking...falls on YOU!
7. Delete your old voicemails. I can't believe how many people I've called who have full Voicemail boxes. Seriously. It takes 2 seconds to delete them. On the other hand, it's a pretty good indicator that I better not leave you one.
8. Don't complain that I never call you because when I do call you, you manage to somehow violate at least one of the above mentioned rules in a least every phone call.
9. Don't pass the phone off to someone else in the room without asking. If I wanted to call that person, well, I would've called that person.
10. Don't call me while you are waiting in line at the grocery store. Your fellow shoppers don't want to hear you talking while in line. We've discussed this before. Call when you have some quality time to spend chatting.
11. Don't get mad when you don't leave a voicemail and you don't get an instant call back. Just because there is a missed call from you, that doesn't mean I am going to instantly call you back. I probably haven't even missed my phone. It's probably out in my car, allowing the voicemail to pick up call after call. I will listen to my 5 voicemails and respond to those first. IF I even look at the missed calls, I may or may not get around to returning your mystery call about something you forgot about why you were calling anyways.
12. Don't call me to look up random facts. I don't care what you want to know. Use http://www.chacha.com/
13. Don't call me to go turn on the TV to watch a certain movie or show. I don't give a rat's ass what you are watching. It's not going to be on the same channel anyways.
14. Don't call me while the person next to you is on the phone. Hearing another conversation is annoying.
15. Calling me then talking to another person in the same room with you without saying "hang on" It's confusing. And rude.
16. Calling me and then not letting me go after and adequate conversation length. Once someone hints they need to "go" then it's only polite to let them go within about a minute of said hint. Continuing to try and talk to me when I've got a screaming toddler is frustrating for everyone involved, and I will hang up the phone on you.
17. Only ever calling me for to look up something online for you. I'm glad you know I've got the Internet. But you could at least call and chit chat once in awhile, too. Seriously, a 3 minute phone call could fill me in a lot about your life.
18. Calling me to tell me to check my email or snail mail box. I check those. Daily. Email I check AT LEAST 3 times a day...morning, noon, and night. Just because you only check your email...weekly, doesn't mean I do.
19. Calling me to tell me you texted me. I don't have texting. Either call me or email me. Send me a letter in the snail mail if you can't pay your phone or Internet bill this month. A stamp is only 42 cents. Steal some change out of a fountain if needed.
20. Calling to ask about a text you sent me. I don't have texting. Texting is gay. I hate texting. I can't type on a little tiny keypad to save my life. I don't want to see your stupid pictures and forwards instantly on my hip. They can wait to go to my inbox where I will delete your stupid Obama and other forwards without opening or otherwise looking at them if they have FW: in the subject line. If it's not worth a full phone call or a full email, it's probably not worth my time. Or definitely.
21. Calling and leaving extra long voicemail messages. I have set my voicemail time limit to one minute.
22. Don't call and "finish" what you were going to say on another voicemail. I will call you back. Maybe. If you don't piss me off too much.
23. Don't call me and read something to my voicemail. I don't want to hear it.
24. Don't call me and read me Bible passages to my voicemail. I have a Bible. If I want to read it, I will.
25. Don't call me and read something to me that you found in German. Unless you are my Dad or a native speaker...then your German sucks. I don't want to hear it. And even then, see 23.
26. Don't call me and call me and call me. LEAVE A VOICEMAIL. I WILL CALL YOU BACK WHEN I GET BACK TO MY PHONE.
27. Ask where I was. Maybe I was taking a shower. Maybe I was sleeping. Maybe it's none of your beeswax. Maybe I was in a public restroom or checking out at the store or I just didn't hear my phone ring. Maybe I was at the bar getting drunk because I want a FAS baby (NOT!) Just because "I stay at home" does not mean I actually sit at home on my couch all day and answer my phone instantly. If I want to tell you, I will.
28. Don't call me and leave me voicemails between the hours of midnight and six AM. You should be asleep. NOT on the phone. I turn my phone off, but most calls during these hours are never productive and usually involve mind-altering substances.
29. Don't call me for someone else's address or email address or my own. Really. Take 2 seconds and look it up for your freaking self.
30. Don't call me to edit your paper/resume/project that is due in 30 minutes. Really. I'd love to read your stuff and laugh at all your grammatical errors, but I need a little more time, especially if you want some constructive feedback.
31. Don't call me only when you need something. I've already figured those people out. I have their numbers in my phone, not because I'm going to call them, but just so I can see when they call and then I hit "Ignore."
32. Don't call me and ask what I'm doing tomorrow. I know you'll want me to do something for you, so just tell me and then I'll decide what I'm doing tomorrow...aka helping you out or sticking to my original plan.
33. Don't call me to babysit for your kid plus 5 other random kids I've never watched before 2 hours before you need me. I'm going to say no and wonder why you thought I would watch them.
34. Don't call me when I'm in a bad mood, like right now. I'll probably let it go to voicemail so I don't get pissy and unnecessarily irritate you in the process.
35. Don't only ever call me while you're in the car because it's not safe and because you probably really don't have time to chat anyways.
36. Don't put me on speaker phone ever. At best, speaker phone completely beyond sucks. Nobody can hear anything. If you don't have time to chat, please be polite enough to let me know.
37. Don't complain that I don't have a landline or have texting blocked. I really don't care that this fact might piss you off. I might actually giggle about the fact that it pisses you off.
38. Don't call me to ask me my own address. Don't be so freaking lazy. I know you have it. Keep yourself organized to freaking know where it is.
39. Don't call me and tell me some long website address. I'm not going to go look it up. I'm not going to probably even listen to my entire voicemail message. Email it to me. Duh. And even then I'm probably just going to delete it. :)
40. Please don't call me ask my husband computer questions. He has email. He doesn't want to help you. But neither do I. Your computer probably sucks. You need to stop going to crappy porno sites. Email him your questions, don't call me about them. It makes me want to stab you and drink your blood when you ask about computer questions. Nom, nom, nom! I don't call you for computer help.
41. Don't call my husband's work Blackberry and leave a message. He didn't stutter on his message. (Go ahead for those of you that have never called. Call it and get a giggle out of it.) But don't leave a message. Either me or one of his coworkers will be deleting your message that nobody is going to hear. And we are just going to think you're even stupider for leaving a message. And don't leave a message to be funny, because the messages were just deleted today and probably won't even be acknowledged (ahem, deleted) for a few more months.

The End.

Disclaimer: All of the above are based on actual observations or personal experiences. If you think something is directed at you, it probably is. :) Ask me, I will tell you because I'm cool like that! But don't feel bad if you think something is directed at you because most of these things have been violated by several people several times. I don't claim to have perfect manners or perfect phone manners, but I don't talk while driving or crapping or checking out at Wal-Mart. I was prompted to write this particular post when I called my mom and she answered while AT A CHRISTMAS CONCERT. SERIOUSLY! Ok, now I know that when Claire is older, I'll probably want to answer her every call just in case it's an emergency. But I've also called my Dad probably at least 2 times while he was at the movies. Seriously. LOL. If it's a true emergency then I should be calling 911.

I'm going to bed. NARGH!