BUT MOM!

So every week, we have this Schwan's man that comes to our door.  However, he is not always there at the same time or even day.  It's USUALLY sometime on Tuesday evenings, though.  Today the doorbell rings.  I hear the truck idling outside.  I have nothing on since I've just gotten out of the shower.  I put on my bathrobe.

This is a tall girl bathrobe.  I love it.  It's super soft and terry cloth.  It goes to the floor.  Floor-length bathrobes rock.  I have 3 different ones.  It has a thick collar and long sleeves.  Super warm!  Well, I run downstairs to answer the door in "just" my bathrobe. 

I open the door and it's the Schwan's guy who is about 70 and a tiny old man.  He's got a younger guy with him, who is maybe 50.  So I say "Hi" and tell the Schwan's man a couple things that I want to order as he punches them into his little hand held. 

Then Claire runs around the corner.  She's got wet hair and is wearing her footie jammies.  She is completely silent.  She holds my hand for a second quietly.  Then, out of her sweet little mouth, she very, VERY loudly says, "MOMMY!?  Why didn't you put your jammies on under your bathrobe?!  YOU'RE NAKED!!!"

I glare at her and say "SHH!"

She replies, "But Mom, we can't go outside naked, and you opened the door.  And you're naked.  I know you have your bathrobe on, but I saw you put it on and you forgot your jammies under it."

By this time I am completely red and laughing and the 2 guys are laughing.  Then I just said, "Well that completes my order.  I'll go get dressed while you get the food."  And I shut the door.

And that, my friends, is why I will never again be answering the door "naked" EVEN if I have a robe on which completely hides my nakedness.

EXCUSE THE THIEF

I've been trying to teach Claire to say "excuse me" when she wants to tell someone something instead of interrupting. So she likes to say "EXCUSE ME!" before she says something now. Claire said "Excuse me!" to Josh when he got home from work today. Then she said: "I LOVE YOU."


It was raining out. She wanted to wear her sunglasses. I asked her why. Her reply? "So rain stays out of my eyes." I told her they were for when it was sunny out. She goes, "OH! So your eyes no get sunburn!" Kind of!


We have a little thief. I saw her playing with a white silky scarf I didn't recognize. Uh-oh. I asked her where she got it. "I got it at the garage sale!" Um? I didn't pay for one? So I asked her which one! She says, "The Sleeping Beauty garage sale!" Great! So she jacked it. So do I take it back...or offer her (the lady whose house we got it from) a buck for it? Now I know how parents don't notice things...oops.

More Smashing Good Times!

I told you I was a klutz. I dropped this bowl of Shepard's Pie. Oops. I wasn't even holding a kid at the time. My hands were wet though. That's what I get for being lazy and not drying them off. SPLAT! There goes another bowl from my set!

A 4-Starr Hotel * * * *

We now have a "4 Starr" hotel! And here are the 4 Starrs: Me and my little guy:

Super daddy:

Pull-Up Protests

Well, I wanted to add another little potty-training tidbit. Basically, one day, Claire just clicked with the potty thing. I have head other parents say that, which frustrated me because, I would be like, no, really...HOW did you potty-train your child. Well, I guess I did read her tons and tons of books. Some we have...some were library books. Now I add other things in the books when we read them, because she's still very interested in them. I add things like, wash your hands WITH soap...hang up the towel when you're done. Turn off the bathroom light, etc. etc.

I think the thing that really did it for Claire was that I let her pick her own princess underwear out. She carried it all around the store and was so excited about it. I'll have to remember that when I my current baby boy in utero is ready to potty-train. There was just something really special to her about seeing the different kinds of undies then getting to pick the ones she wanted. Then of course she wanted to wear them!

And the challenge was that she wanted to wear them at night, but wasn't waking up dry all the time. She's had 2 bed-wetting in the past like 4 weeks...and of course both times, she was really upset. She told Daddy, "I peed in the bed all night!" I was like, dear Lord, that's a lot of pee. So here's my question...when do you wake your kid up and sit them on the potty at night...or do you?

She hated wearing the pull-ups to sleep in and protest. Then in the morning, she would run to her dresser, take off the pull-up and put on her panties BEFORE going pee in the morning. I don't want to confuse her by going back and forth...but I don't want to be changing sheets more than ... say once a week with a newborn. How often do you change sheets anyways? Well...and the problem is that it's not just the sheets...it will require full jammie and undie changing. She will have been laying down, so the pee will get on the shirt. I've ditched the footie jammies because she can't easily go potty in those. Also bye-bye super-cute overalls for potty independence...

Another thing we are working on with all the little summer dresses is sitting like a lady...making sure the dress is pulled down, etc. No more cute diaper covers in her size anymore! Yeah, so in the middle of the library, she pulls her dress up. And I don't mean just a little bit up. I mean, up to her chest. And goes, "Mommy, I HAVE TO GO PEE!" Nice. Luckily, she didn't pull her bottoms down...that would have been far worse. So things to work on...we'll get there eventually. In the meantime, I'll try to post these things for your entertainment. ;)

Shopping Fail

I saw this mangled cart in the sad, dirty pile of snow a couple weeks ago. Now, if I were really ambitious, I would totally go back and take a picture everyday until the snow was totally gone. However, seeing as that I have better things to do, you are only so lucky as to get a picture because I just happened to have my camera in the car.
Pretty hilarious. Plow = 1. Shopping Cart = 0.

I wonder how much a shopping cart like that costs anyways?

Barbie has the Stickerpox

Life-size Barbie has got a bad case of the Stickerpox. I gave Claire a sheet of stickers and told her to share them with Barbie. It kept her busy for a good 20 minutes!!!
Notice how Elmo is leering at Barbie in the background. He's a creepy little red guy. Claire's hand is in the photo because she is trying to grab the camera. She demands "SHOW ME DA PICTURE!" after each picture I take. I should have never shown her the little screen on the back...

Yes, Barbie is a state of half-undress. Most Dolls or toys with clothing will probably spend the next year or so like this. Perhaps longer? When is it fun for kids to re-dress the dolls? Not just strip them? She likes to take off Barbie's clothes so she can be in her pink swim suit. Because we all need dolls wearing their swimming gear in December.

Ahh...what would I do without the cheap entertainment of stickers, playdough, and coloring books?

Funny Story

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian & Jennifer and this now made her more curious. Over the course of the evening watching Brian & Jennifer interact, she started to wonder if there was more between them than met the eye.

Reading his mother's thoughts, Brian volunteered, " I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you Jennifer & I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer said to Brian, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian replied, "I doubt it but I'll send her an e-mail to be sure."
So he sat down & wrote:
Cute email I got:

Dear Mom,
I'm not saying you 'did' take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you 'did not,' take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains it's been missing since you were here.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an e-mail back from his mother:

Dear Son,I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Jennifer and I'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer, but the fact remains that if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

LESSON FOR THE DAY: NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

Duggars are Grandparents!

The Duggars are now Grandparents! Ok...and having that many kids is NOT normal. Back in the days when families had 12-20 kids, lots of them died or a least a few of them died! AND...they breastfed the kids on the farms for 2-4 years. She's having these kids 15 months apart...that is insane! She had a baby at the same time Claire was born, and is due about a month before I am due again, but has another girl in between there...boom, boom, boom! They must do it every night! I don't mean to sound too judgemental, because if a family is going to have that many kids, they are definitely in a financial spot to do it! Plus, their kids are all so polite and well-behaved. Seriously, though, she needs to chart her fertility, and they need to avoid having "relations" when she's fertile. It's almost as though they are trying to have so many kids! Here's a book she needs to read called Your Fertility Signals: Using Them to Achieve or Avoid Pregnancy Naturally They don't have to use birth control...just a little abstaining a few days a month or her uterus is seriously going to fall out. She is over 40...that is just not healthy for any body to be constantly pregnant like that! I read you were supposed to wait a year after having a baby before having another one to let the body heal...or was that something for VBACs? Anyways...good for them...they figured out a way to make money having lots of kids but not being on welfare! Just get your own TLC show!

Ready to have kids?

So You Want To Have Children? (from this site: http://www.allowe.com/Humor/book/So%20You%20Want%20To%20Have%20Children.htm )

Preparation
Women:
Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
Leave it there.
Every week, add another beanbag.
After 9 months, remove 2 beanbags.
Men:
Go to your pharmacy.
Empty your wallet on the counter.
Tell the pharmacist to help himself
Go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their front office.
Go home.
Read the newspaper… for the last time.
Knowledge
Find a couple with children.
Berate them about their lack of discipline, lack of patience, low tolerance, and how their children run wild.
Suggest how they can improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and general behavior.
Enjoy it while it lasts. It's the last time you'll have all the answers.
Nights
Turn the radio on to some loud screaming station.
Walk around the room from 5 to 10 PM carrying a 10 pound bag of wet goo while the station screams.
At 10 PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
Get up at 11 and walk the bag around until 1 AM.
Set the alarm for 3. Since you can’t get to sleep, get up at 2 and make tea.
Go to bed at 2:30.
Get up at 3 AM when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4.
Set the alarm for 5. Get up when it goes off.
Make breakfast.
Repeat for four years. Look cheerful!
Dressing Small Children
Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time allowed: 5 minutes.
Cars
Sell the BMW.
Buy a 5-door wagon.
Put a large chocolate ice cream cone in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Put a peanut butter sandwich in the CD player.
Mash a box of chocolate cookies into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Going For a Walk
Wait.
Go out the front door.
Go back inside.
Go outside.
Come back in.
Go outside.
Walk down the front sidewalk.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly along the street for 5 minutes.
Stop at every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead bug along the way. Inspect each minutely. Ask at least 6 questions about each.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
Repeat for 5 years.
Patience
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Grocery Shopping
Go to the supermarket. Take along the nearest thing to a pre-school child: a fully grown goat. (If you plan to have more than one child, take more than one goat.)
Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) get out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Feeding a 1 year-old
Prepare a bowl of cornflakes.
Hollow out a melon through a small hole in one side.
Suspend the melon from the ceiling.
Swing it back and forth.
Spoon the soggy cornflakes into the swaying melon while making airplane noises.
When at least half of the cornflakes are gone, pour the rest on your clothes and the floor.
TV
Learn the names of every character from every episode of the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies, and every Disney movie.
Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Cleanliness
Smear peanut butter on your sofa.
Smear jam on your curtains.
Hide a fish behind the stereo. Leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in dirt. Rub them on your walls.
Color your other walls with crayons.
Traveling
Make a recording of someone shouting “Mommy!” over and over. (There may be no more than 4 seconds between each shout.)
Include the occasional crescendo to the approximate decibel level of a fighter jet.
Play this tape in your car continuously the 5 years.
Conversations
1. Start a conversation with another adult.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your pants and shirtsleeves while playing the tape prepared above.
Get Dressed
1. On a day when you have an important meeting, wear your nicest work attire.
3. Put 1 cup of lemon juice into a cup of cream. Stir.
5. Pour half of it on your shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt by rubbing it with the saturated towel.
8. Do not change clothes. You're late already!
9. Go directly to work.

You are now ready to have children.

NEVER AGAIN. EVER.

Oh dear blog readers,
How I've missed you...not really! I haven't had time! So since my last post I was just cleaning and cleaning and de-crappifying my house. It's great. Welcome to my crap-free zone! Actually, it's still full of crap, but it's at least a LOT LESS! We made about 100 bucks on selling our old crap. Everyone wanted to know. We also sold a crappy TV for about 50 bucks ... so we could say 150. I suppose we could've sold everything on Craigslist or Ebay, which we have done before, but it's work. But a garage sale is a lot more work. I decided to open my garage door on Friday morning to "set up" things. Well that was great...made about 20 bucks on Friday as well. Sold a pool with a hole for 2 bucks! LOL. Anyway, about 1 pm on Saturday, I was getting hot and tired of stupid questions. So I started setting things out to the curb. MAN was it hilarious watching the trash pickers. But seriously, a lady asked me what a book was about. I told her to read the back. Seriously. Buy it and read it yourself. :)
I was also majorly irritated by all the people that pranced their dogs into my garage. I HATE DOGS. Well, let me qualify that. I hate dogs when they get into my personal zone. I do not want their nasty wet little noses on my legs. I do not want them within 10 feet of me or my child. I was also majorly grossed out by a lady paying me with a bag of dog crap waving in front of my face. I was sitting down in the lawn chair and so it was just the right level. Seriously. I'm glad she picked that stuff up but seriously...going garage sale-ing with that. What is wrong with some people.
LOL...on the plus side Josh saw someone picking and offered to load all the garage sale leftovers into the back of his truck. SWEET. We didn't even have to take it to the Goodwill.
Remind me to never have a garage sale again.
EVER.
My first garage sale here.
AND MY LAST!

Hilarious Ski Mask Prank

Check out this funny video about a ski mask prank:

http://www.evilchili.com/videos/30787/Hilarious_Ski_Mask_Prank

First Celeb Dies of Swine Flu

Miss Piggy is extremely upset about what has happened to Kermit. Dang Swine Flu.

The Butt Flu

When I saw H1N1 flu ... I thought ... THAT WILL NEVER CATCH ON. I also thought of "heinie" aka butts. I'm not the only one: http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/archive/2009/05/04/swine-flu-maybe-we-won-t-close-school.aspx

Drinking and Driving

Here's a news article about a different kind of drinking and driving...haha http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29441879/?GT1=43001 Some lady thought it was ok to not only talk on the phone while driving, but also breastfeed while driving. Good grief. PULL OVER, PUT THE CAR IN PARK! I mean ACTUALLY DRIVING!!!!!!! What was she thinking! This is the kind of news-story that gives breastfeeding bad raps!

Ode From Daddy

So there was this show in the early 90s called The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. If you haven't heard of it, I'd be surprised that you would actually be on the Internet right now...but here's a link for you if interested http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098800/ Well, anyways, this is the theme song for it...do you remember it?

"In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playground is where I spent most of
my days chilling out, maxing and relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball
outside of school when a couple of guys they were up to no good started making
trouble in our neighborhood I got in one little fight and my mom got scared she
said your moving in with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ..."

Well Josh made up a song for Claire, that goes like this:

"In Central Indiana born and raised on the nipple is where I spent most of my days chilling out, maxing and relaxing all cool and all shooting some wet farts outside of the diaper when a couple of babies they were up to no good started making trouble in our neighborhood I got in one little fight and my mom got scared she said your moving in with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ..."

Cookie Wrecks

Claire loves chocolate. I have been known to eat such copious amounts of chocolate, that my breastmilk actually comes out chocolate breastmilk. You do realize that's how they get the cows to produce chocolate breastmilk, right? They just feed the cows buckets full of Hershey Kisses. YUMMY! So we decided to make some Christmas cookies in January and feed Claire a bowl of TJ's chocolate chips. If it's from TJ's it's not that bad for you, right? Ha! Just walk down their freezer aisle!
Claire has no problem any more with eating. It's seriously like how she just started crawling or walking...it just happened overnight! Tonight I made some kick ass Cauliflower Soup from scratch. Thanks to whomever posted that on their blog...I can't remember with out looking back. But it was great and Claire ate 3 little bowlfuls. Then she came and sat on my lap and started sticking her hand in mine to eat more Cauliflower, carrot, and celery bits. She has no issues with mixed textures there! Notice she's in a booster seat we got recently. It puts her at the table with us!

Here is Josh in his silk Superman robe. YAY for Superman. Josh is my Superman!

Ok, now if you're easily offended, just close your blog browser and just click along on your merry way. Otherwise, prepare to giggle like an immature high schooler! To make our evening a little more fun...we suddenly found ourselves making the cookies dirty. No, not dropping them on the floor, but you'll see. Claire meanwhile ate her chips and some cookie dough. Yummy!

This is what we call doing it DINO-style. We had an odd variety of sprinkles in the cupboard. As you can tell the black and orange ones were from Halloween..and then we used some Christmas ones. What kind of cut-outs should we have used in Mid-Jan? MLK silhouettes?

Notice the special details. I won't describe them in detail, after all, a picture says 1,000 words. Like, wow, you guys need to grow up, or find something better to do...like go sit in a bar, breathe in 2nd hand smoke and get lung cancer, meanwhile spending $20 for 2 weak watered-down drinks that may or may not taste like ass.

Josh made this one. Why he gave him a Hitler-stache is beyond me. Maybe so he could bite his head off in one mighty chomp.

These are 2 doggie-poop piles that I made. Josh had made a big log turd, so I had to 1-up him and get a little more creative. He ate the log-turd still hot and steaming, so I didn't get a picture of it, sadly. I know, you're crying. :)

And here is a Sugarbread Cookie with chocolate chip details, notice the black sprinkles for the body hair.

Don't call us immature, I know you were laughing inside! :) You're going to click on them to see them full-sized, aren't you!?! LOL! These cookies were in honor of this site http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/ which posts some funny stuff.

Why, dear, why?

Are you ever annoyed when you think there is something of something left, but there really isn't? Example in point:
That's right, not even Claire would be satisfied by this crumb of a cracker that was left. Next time just throw it away if it looks like this:

It's ok, I still love you. ;) Does anyone else's spouse do this? (Is this passive-aggressive? No, it's just agressive...hehe.)